depression
I feel awful. It’s been about three weeks this schedule of J’s has been going on, and it’s worn me down so much. He isn’t very good at communicating while he’s away, and it makes it even worse. I feel unloved, though he says he loves me and I generally feel loved when he’s here with me and can show me. I don’t get why he can’t show it while he’s away. He just turns off. Most of the time he gives the impression that he’d rather not be talking to me, he’ll barely say anything and most conversation ends quick after I give up trying to get him started on topics. He says he just has nothing to talk about. I don’t always either, but I’m putting all my energy into supporting him in his job even though it takes him away from me all day for a week at a time, and it seems like he doesn’t even care or notice. He says he does, but how can I tell if he won’t say anything or show me any support back?
I told him last night how I felt about this and some other things, I thought maybe he understood. He made an effort to talk more today, but that’s not really the point. The point I tried to (repeatedly) get across to him was that I felt like he didn’t have any interest in me because he doesn’t show that he cares about how I feel or the things I do to make his/our life better, or sacrifice so he can have the career he wants. I put out all the support I can and it feels like he doesn’t give me anything back. He doesn’t seem to want to make the effort, so it tells me that I’m not worth it to him, which in turn I conclude he’s not interested in being with me.
He says I’m wrong. I think he tried to talk to me more today as a way of showing he was interested in me. I’m trying to appreciate the effort and not feel upset by him missing the point completely and just addressing a sign. I want to feel loved, I want to feel missed, I want to feel like someone is happy to see me when he comes home, and thinks I’m beautiful when I try to make myself pretty for him and doesn’t talk about me like a chore. I give him the support and freedom he wants, I just want some back, and he can’t seem to do it. I thought he understood, I guess he didn’t really, or again doesn’t know how so does nothing. It’s happened countless times before.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve spiralled so low it’s hard to even get up in the morning to go to work, and I’ve gotten sick with a cold on top of it. The worst part is I don’t even have any close friends I can share with or cry with or even get advice from, or to ask if I’m really being unreasonable or if I’m justified or what.
I’m sick of crying, I wish I could just stop.
December 13th, 2007 at 7:52 am
Relax. It’s too early in this new job to make too many demands. If he’s trying to get used to a new plane, a new company, a new schedule or anything else new, it’s going to take time for him to adjust. You are adjusting to a new routine too. Let him focus his brainpower on this for a while longer and then when it becomes more routine, he’ll be able to shift more attention back to you. He needs this time to get things figured out- if he makes a mistake in the plane b/c his mind was elsewhere, the consequences could be terrible.
Wait until the 2 month mark and then bring it up again if he still isn’t giving you what you need. Make a list of things he could do for you (send a postcard from an overnight?) so that there are some concrete things he can do. Program reminders to do those things into his cell phone if he’s OK with that.
Every relationship has it’s ups and downs.
December 13th, 2007 at 8:18 am
He’s been doing this job since september, so it’s been a couple months already. The only thing different is that he is living out of a hotel on the other side of the state for the thanskgiving to christmas rush, and he just comes home for the weekends. It’s not the routine that we had gotten used to already, and it’s only temporary. The way his job is, he does nothing all afternoon but watch tv, and goes back to the hotel at night and does the same thing. He has a fair bit of time on his hands, and it would be nice if he at least put some effort into us.
December 16th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Hi,
I have sometimes felt this way too, and think that you are very brave to openly write about your feelings.
I do believe that pilots tend to be naturally selfish. They have to be in order to achieve their goals against the odds. I also believe that because they are very intelligent people, they are more than capable of understanding how this self indulgant streak impacts on others. Although it has taken me a long time, I finally seem to have conveyed this to him in a way which has made him re-think his behaviour.
I really hope that you find the right way to communicate with him. For me, it was to be pragmatic, and logical to the extreme, because that is the way that my man thinks. My previously emotional appeals to him fell on deaf ears, because he simply couldn’t relate to it.
At least after the festive season, you’ll regain some of your normality back. I cant wait for Christmas to be well and truly over this year.
December 18th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
Thank you for your comment. My pilot sounds like yours! I’ve always felt pilots tend to be pretty selfish, too, but I know he wants to take care of me and he cares how I feel. He just doesn’t understand how to show his feelings, or to support me I the ways I need.
Thanks for the support!