I spent the past three days across the state for work - I generally don’t have to travel a whole heck of a lot, and rarely overnight, but this time I did.  I was suprisingly homesick the first day, which was unexpected.  I slept poorly the previous night because I was near-puking from an upset stomach, so I blame the tiredness and the subsequent workday. I think it was kind of good for him to have *me* away for a few days for *my* work, though.  He missed having me around when he got home, since he’s usually the one that has to go on trips for work.  It can be good for a pilot to be the one left at home while the other person gets called away for a trip once and a while, I think.

I’ve been looking at getting a pet, I grew up with a ton of animals and I haven’t had one in ages. With J working such long days I have a hefty amount of time on my hands alone after work and all day Saturday (even without him covering some other non-commutable run for a week!) and it gets lonely. I haven’t really settled on what, though; I love dogs, am allergic to cats, I like rodents (but not guinea pigs), and it goes on. I would like something that would both be suitable for our current apartment (fairly big, but it’s still an apartment) and a companion-type pet. But I’m worried about bringing in a pet that would need a lot of attention, and would get potentially get confused or unhappy about our changing situations (J gone/home and what is/isnt’ acceptable, etc). I’m undecided about what to do. It’d definitely be cheaper continuing without one, but I think it’d help me mentally/emotionally a lot to have one.

J and I had a good talk yesterday and I feel a lot better about several things that have bothered me off and on for a while now.  I need to go to the doctor, though, I’ve been putting it off for a loooong time.  We talked for the first time in a long time about having children, and marriage, and I think we’re finally starting to understand each other and that we don’t disagree at all.  There’s been a lot of confusion, and he doesn’t like to communicate much, so it’s been a hard road to navigate.  I think I got the point across to him that I’m not a mind-reader though, and hopefully it’ll be smoother sailing.

That being said, because we are starting to realize we agree on the children-issue, I need to see a ob-gyn about several probelms I’ve had for a while.  I’ve always been very irregular and it’s something I’ve just dealt with.  Changing what pills I take never really affected it, and I pretty much just sighed and dealt.  About a year ago I started having hot flashes and I got even more irregular than before, sometimes going up to 3 or 4 months with nothing, sometimes 3 in one month!  I went to a gyn to see if she could figure out what was wrong, but she was young, and although she had me get a ultrasound done to see if there were any tumors or cysts in my uterus, she was pretty unhelpful.  It was VERY expensive, too, and I got discouraged after that.  Since the last J had talked it didn’t sound like he was that into having kids, I let myself ignore it until now.  He’s been on me to see someone about it for a few months, and I should stop putting it off, particularly since we’ve both realized that the other does want to have a family after all, despite all our misunderstandings and whatnot.

Gotta love communication.  I wish I *was* a mindreader, he’s so hard to figure out sometimes.  I know he sometimes feels the same way about me, though, even though I think I’m pretty easy to figure out since I don’t generally keep how I feel about things to myself.  Oh well.  That’s what makes it interesting, I suppose.

I told him last night how I felt about this and some other things, I thought maybe he understood. He made an effort to talk more today, but that’s not really the point. The point I tried to (repeatedly) get across to him was that I felt like he didn’t have any interest in me because he doesn’t show that he cares about how I feel or the things I do to make his/our life better, or sacrifice so he can have the career he wants. I put out all the support I can and it feels like he doesn’t give me anything back. He doesn’t seem to want to make the effort, so it tells me that I’m not worth it to him, which in turn I conclude he’s not interested in being with me.

He says I’m wrong. I think he tried to talk to me more today as a way of showing he was interested in me. I’m trying to appreciate the effort and not feel upset by him missing the point completely and just addressing a sign. I want to feel loved, I want to feel missed, I want to feel like someone is happy to see me when he comes home, and thinks I’m beautiful when I try to make myself pretty for him and doesn’t talk about me like a chore. I give him the support and freedom he wants, I just want some back, and he can’t seem to do it. I thought he understood, I guess he didn’t really, or again doesn’t know how so does nothing. It’s happened countless times before.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve spiralled so low it’s hard to even get up in the morning to go to work, and I’ve gotten sick with a cold on top of it. The worst part is I don’t even have any close friends I can share with or cry with or even get advice from, or to ask if I’m really being unreasonable or if I’m justified or what.

I’m sick of crying, I wish I could just stop.

I hate whoever decided it’d be a good idea to have J and his fellow pilots fly out of the other side of the state for the holiday season. He has to live there during the week out of a hotel room because the start times are so early, and the return times are so late, that he’d get no sleep if he flew home every day. So, I get to see him only on the weekends until the 24th.

It’s been crappy.

I think it would’ve been a bit better to deal with had we not just moved. Here there are no memories or presence to make it feel like “home.” At least when he was gone for a while at the old place it was still “ours” and felt like our home. Here, it just feels kind of like a rented vacation place. Not really comfortable (yet), no memories, all our stuff is here but it’s not _home_ or familiar, and having him gone makes it even less so. I don’t know how to explain it. I tried to explain it to J last weekend, but he didn’t understand. He thought I hated the place, and didn’t see how it would make my loneliness worse to be in a new apartment. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it still feels just empty. Empty of him, us, memories, life.

I miss him.

I was at a job site this week that is less than 5 minutes away from my parents house.  J and I spent last sunday afternoon at their house to check out their new deck, and I told my dad about it.  He said he’d have to drop by and see me working.  Pretty much the rest of the night was talking about J’s work and airplanes; flying kind of runs in my family, and my dad is a pilot and works with airplanes at his job.  I’ve been pretty down lately, and I think a lot of it has to do with everyone being so into J’s job and work, and I’ve felt pretty boring and uninteresting in the meantime cause no one is interested in me or  my work, so I felt better that my dad wanted to come see what I did.

I’ve had a hard time with my parents throughout my life, and always felt nothing I did was ever good enough. I was an excellent student growing up, never did drugs (I hated alcohol until a couple years ago, even), was well-behaved, etc. They seemed convinced I was the “bad child” however, and was just hiding it all from them, and hence treated me as such. So we didn’t get along well to say the least, because I felt punished for things I never even did or wanted to do.
As a result I have the hangup of never feeling like anything I do is really good enough for them. J has told me several times that he knows my dad is proud of me and into what I do - my dad has always been into geology, and now that I’m finally working as a geologist I thought he would finally be interested in me/my work more, but dad doesn’t even really seem to care about it. He was happy for me when I got the job, and got a raise, but he hasn’t been very interested in talking about what I’m doing or aspects of projects I work on. On the other hand, he’ll email me 6 times almost every day asking about where J’s going, or if J’s going to fly over their house and trying to take pictures of him, etc.  He went out on the day J flew the first time and took pictures of J taking off (he works on the other side of the airport from him so it’s not a huge out of the way thing). I was delighted to be able to have them, and I think J liked it too.

But… now I feel horrible that I was less than 5 minutes away from the house for an entire week, and he couldn’t even bother to come out and say hi or see what I do.  Just reinforces how I feel, that they’re not really interested in what I do or me, but he’s half obsessed with what my SO does.  At least I feel I’ve made some progress in recognizing where my feelings are coming from, I was getting to be a pretty good bitch to be around and was blaming J for it.  I’ve figured out that I’m not upset with him at all and my feelings aren’t coming from how he feels or treats me, but rather stem from the apparent fact that my own parents are way more into him and what he does than their own daugther, and I feel ignored or inadequate because of it.

On the upside, my realizing this led J and I to have a wonderful evening together last night, and I felt pretty happy for the first time in a week or two.  These feelings have really been grinding me down lately, but hopefully realizing where they’re coming from will help keep them from interfering with J and mine’s relationship.

It frustrates me to no end. I don’t want to be with someone who seems to have no real point or wants no future. I don’t think that’s what he means, but it seems like it when he can’t even communicate with me about if he wants something in our future or with anything else for that matter. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care or doesn’t bother to think about us or our future. Maybe he doesn’t. It makes me upset, but maybe I don’t really have a reason to be. I wish I knew.

I’ve been feeling blah lately, and I don’t know why. I’ve been blaming being sick, or it being October (which is a hard month for me because of a past event), but I’m not sure either is why, or at least the whole reason. I’ve felt really boring and unsexy, even though I’ve lost some chub (which halloween has kind of started to ruin, damn you my favorite holiday! ). I kind of wonder if I’m just getting used to J having a job again, and I feel down because he’s not around here to spend time with me nearly as much.

He’s been working saturdays since he got out of training, which he doesn’t like, and it’s not his fault at all. Besides, I sometimes think that the extra time to myself is a good thing, so I can do stuff I feel like or need to do without feeling guilty for ignoring him.

Sometimes I’m baaarely awake when he’s getting ready to leave for work in the mornings. A couple times he’s been sitting on or next to the bed (we’re in a studio right now) while doing somethingoranother, and he’ll have his hand on me, or he’ll brush my face/hair with his hand. I love things like that, and it should tell me beyond any doubt that he loves me and cares, but I can’t help but shake this feeling of being unattractive or boring to him. I wish I knew why.

I should really just kick myself in the ass and appreciate just what I have. I’m a lucky woman.

I thought I’d start this blog for fun. I’m a geologist, my SO is a pilot flying freight right now. A lot of the other pilot SO’s I’ve met online have a blog or journal of some sort, electronic or not, and they say it can be cathartic those days the pilot’s career gets to them, as well as for the good days. I decided, what the hell. I like to write, but usually I’m not motivated to. His career has lead us through such ups and downs, though, I probably will never run out of stuff to say about it and us.

Compared to what he used to do, this job is easier on our relationship in some ways, and harder in others. It’s a big plus that he’s home every night — usually. Sometimes it’s harder having him here but falling asleep an hour or so after he gets home, especially when I’m lonely/sick and just want someone to think you’re exciting for a bit. Those days it seems like it’d almost be easier if he were gone, at least you wouldn’t have the hope of someone being excited to see you, or want to take care of the sicko, then feeling let down when it doesn’t happen. I’ve been sick this week in case you didn’t catch on, lol. /selfpity off

Ups and downs; happens a lot when you’re dragged into this flying business kicking and screaming by your heart. On the other hand, at least i don’t have to wait a month to get laid like I did with his last job. See, always an upside!